Somethings are meant to fall apart…

Today I feel am not me anymore.. I’m not even half of what I was… I’ve changed… As if you flipped my world upside down..I’ve changed a lot… But Do you love this “me”? I don’t know….

6 months back….

6 months back,,,I was someone who didn’t give a damn about anybody,anything… There existed no worry about future or past… There existed no love or care… There existed no human I gave a damn about…

Cigar,Weed,liquor, friends, flings, fake relationships…a total bitch – this was me, 6 months back…

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Then you happened in my life….my guardian angel….

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Yeah, you did exist in my life from past 2 years…I have shared my hearts out over messages with you then… Most of that 2 years,we stayed up talking to each other till 4am almost everyday yet pretended to be strangers to outside world…

6 months back after you returned from your vacations,things changed drastically… For both of us…From “you” and “me” things started getting into “us” way…

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The way we started connecting to each other emotionally is something I can’t explain… Every day we spent till date… Every small details of our lives… Every embarrassing,,gross,,funny,, sad,,happy,,bitter,,breath taking,,heart breaking truth about each other was shared… – that’s why we fell for each other….

An untold promise to take another person’s secret to grave,,to keep it safe…blind trust that the other person ain’t gonna judge…no care,about other person bitching around about another,existed..a hope that other person would definitely be there to pick another when on knees… – that’s how we grew closer to each other…        

I’ve met a million people before you came into my life…but what u do to me is ethereal… I was not “mummy’s baby” or “daddy’s princess” nor was I ”
Brother’s sweetie “….in eternity I didn’t manage to have more than 3 friends… Am extremely non-social,antihuman and an utter benevolent kinda person I was…but then I wanted to be something to you..something special… Someone who you would consider… You never tried to change me…you loved the bitch I was… But I wanted to change myself… Something into what wouldn’t put you through shame…something nice and better than what I was then…

And today… Am a person with feelings,tears,smiles and laughs…all because of you… A better person than I was for sure…

Everytime I look at you,i wonder what have you done to me…what would I be without you…
Your smiles are so infectious!!!… You induce joy and laughter everywhere you go!!!… You managed to keep everyone happy!!! It amazes me how could someone be so true…like you are someone who fell out of all those fairy tales… So damn handsome… So loving.. So caring.. So perfect… So mine!!!!

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I am the darkest version of you… You light my world… You are trying to pull me from my darkness into a world so beautiful,which I always thought,was cruel..

Your friends and everyone around you,who know you,told you,I don’t deserve you..that your way more worth than me…they told you,I come from dark worse past which can destroy your future…they wanted you to believe that My presence can toxin your present and your entire life can just be suffocating with me in it… They warned you that I might just leave you hurt and hanging any time…
You chose to deny them all and stand by me…

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How worthy of your trust I am,I don’t know… How far will I stay with you,I don’t know… How long will I be loyal to you,I don’t know… How long can you stand me, I don’t know…

Anytime this beautiful world you lit,can catch fire and everything then left will be me,in ashes… Anytime you are free to leave… Anytime you are free to do anything… You despot our lives… And I respect and accept your decision without second thoughts…

One thing I wanna tell you,time and again,is that I truly fell for you and all this time I was true to you… My feelings for you weren’t fake…my tears weren’t fraudulent…my care wasn’t pseudo…or  My love for you wasn’t sham…

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You stay or not…your memories and way of life,you thought,is gonna stay with me forever and always…

You may or might not be mine…but I’ll be yours forever… Nobody can or will ever replace your place in my life… You are my first and last true love…

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Everyday I’ll be falling in love with you just the way I did on our first day… Even when I won’t be able to see you everyday beside me,,even when your hands won’t be able to play the strings the same way and even when crowds don’t remember your name,,I’ll love you as I do today… I will stay this foolish for my rest of eternity and wait for your smile to reach your eyes from your cheeks when you look at me as they do today….

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Love_lies_bleeding..

“You mean everything to me,you know!? I can’t imagine myself without you beside me!! I would be down on knees,broken, wounded, struggling to breath,living in my past and crying for lifetime,had you not found a way into my life”…. His voice echoed in her head as she sat sobbing on that cold floor…

Things had changed… Time had played it’s part well and again managed to show true colors of people to her…

From all his ” I love you so much sweetheart ” to lovelorn,everything rewind in her mind and wield her to cry more till she suffocate….

It was just another day when he abused her for no reason..
He was breaking her into pieces with everyday passing by…
All she got in return for her love was tears…she was tired of it at this point in time…

“It has to end”-she said to herself as knife penetrated deep enough…

” hold on to every memory as I go…and remember me when am gone…” Was her last message to him…

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She was a lot of things… She was the universe of contradiction… She was afraid yet so brave…she was wild but so serene… Her quietude covered her craziness…just a right amount of beauty to make anybody fall immensely in love with her…she was many things in world so cruel..but mostly hurt and broken… She was many things…but for then dunk in her own blood…

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she was someone waiting for pain to end..pain in heart which was deeper than cut on her wrist…

A promise to return…

“Attachment aur pyaar badi kutti cheez hai na bhai….saala ye dard b kabhi saath chhod ke jaayega kya…chal chhod soja good night” (love and attachment are two worse things,,ain’t it brother… Will this pain ever leave us alone??.. Chuck…just sleep and rest…good night) he said with tears in his eye…it was 3.30 in morning…

He walked outta room when his mind was wandering about few years back…

He first smiled at her memories and cried at her absence….

Her absence carved hole in his heart…”I don’t know how you are doing.. I don’t know if u still think of me the way I think of you.. Do you still run to ua phone to ring me when ua happy… Do you miss me when you need a shoulder to cry… Do u still think ‘oh I wish you were here to see me now’…etcetera.. Etcetera…” A million questions ran through his mind..

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He left her,,when situation required…years together back… For her well being… He promised her that he would return…she promised to wait for him…

It’s been few years after they departed… Still with every breath he thinks of her… He miss her talks,,her eyes,,her presence…. Tears rolled down with all her memories…

Just like every night he promised himself to return to her as soon as possible…

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He scrolled through his phone and stopped at her picture…took a look, kept it close to his heart and slept with a hope that she still is waiting for him
And somewhere far away she did the same….

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Time and distance separated them…but love kept them close together….

Unwinding memories…

A million memories fled through her mind as she started to flame their pictures..He wasn’t the love of her life… He never was the one she dreamt about.. He wasn’t something she wanted for her life… But he was her boyfriend.. He was the one she was in a “relationship” with… A wrong relationship
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She couldn’t afford to loose her best friend at any cost… He was by her side when she had lost her mind…she owed him… She forced herself to tell “yes” when he went down on his knees… When deep down she knew this isn’t how it was suppose to b…

‘Faking smiles…showing off love which didn’t exist…care for him…trying to fit in box where she din belong…’ This is how her next one year passed…

But how long???

How long was this ‘Faking thing’ gonna last…?

This was time she was tired of ‘Faking herself… All he did was hurt her when she tried her best to keep him happy… With time his love was lost so did her patience… Everything that kept them together was gone… It was time she was suffocated,,,,suffocated by his behavior,,,,,,suffocated of faking… No more could she stand the pain…

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It was time….

It was the time she had to choose herself… Time to get away and start all over again… She was too fragile to leave him…but she had to!

Picking up all her broken pieces…she walked away… She walked away with a million memories,,, a shattered heart,,,, n hell tears in her eyes…

And all he did was…see her walk away n do nothing to stop her…

Today…she see him happily live his life with a girl he found for himself n finally smile heartily…

Somewhere between holding on to one which was not her’s and faking…she lost her best friend…

With every photo catching flares… Her memory n trust turned into ashes….

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love care and guilt..

They say putting you’re drunk friend to sleep is like putting a little child to sleep….their mumbling,,non stop talks,,fight to not fall asleep….ah! Quite a task!!

But what she had to go through was worse…it wasn’t some friend of her’s who was drunk… It was her best friend…her love of life..

Just a random day when he decides to get doped… “Let me see how well you’ll take care of me…” He said…”i trust u” he said before he was one bottle down..

When whole earth revolved around him..all he could speak was of her…he was high…and nothing but she was on his mind..she meant world to him…

Watering eyes..his loud laughter…kissing her forehead in public…letting world know he was happy because of person sitting next to him… Ah! Looking at this,, “Doesn’t he love me!??? Isn’t this love!????” Was all she could think!

“No m not doped…m sober now…I can take care of myself till home.. I swear on u”…” If u love me please let me handle myself till home…don’t come with me…go home…I beg you” he said n left…

Maybe she shouldn’t have let him go..maybe she should have gone till his home to drop him…

On his way he fell sick yet made it to home…safe n sound…

“I trusted u when I drank…i thought u would always be there for me by my side…u let me down… How could u let me go on my own…how could you do this to me.. I thought you loved me..everything u did,,,everything u said was a lie…i would trust anybody but you after this….”and the call ended…

All she could do was stare into darkness when her clock beeped 2am n cry…tears rolled down when her emotional barrier broke..she cursed herself a million times for letting him go on his own.. All she could think was “he deserves a better person than I am…”

She was worse thing ever happened to him,,,when he was the best part of her life…all that was left for her was guilt,helplessness and regret…

Somewhere between a little carelessness and alcohol… Two hearts broke…_20151210_023814